Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
