you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
