saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
