Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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