listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
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dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
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She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.