$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
