Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
