Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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