i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
