Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
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How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
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You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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