He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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