My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
