Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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