"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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