My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
