He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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