Betty ford says i'm here all night
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
