I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
what day is it and did you see me today?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
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She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
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After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.