11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
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at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
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We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.