That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?