you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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