It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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