I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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