fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
