I feel great
I just peed on a car
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
