I just saw a hot homeless man
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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