Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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