i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
