Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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