Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
