We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
