Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
