it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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