You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
