things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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