You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
