We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
