They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
