party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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