Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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