The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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