Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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