A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
