u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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