Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
