I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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