when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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