overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
