I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
