went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
my poor anus
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
