She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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