you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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