I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
