I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
