well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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