Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
