my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
