Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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