I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just invented taco cereal.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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